If it could be better, it would be better…AND IT IS!!!

He finally did something I couldnt forgive and I told him to leave!

I survived!!!

18 months later I met an awesome guy!

We will be married in September

He is LOVE to me! I never knew it could be like this!

I am restarting my blog but will leave in the bad stuff.

For anyone who thinks there is nothing left to live for…THINK AGAIN!

why did I stay 27 years in an insane, controlling, loveless marriage??? I need to explore myself to figure that one out.

AHHH!

I just want to scream! where do I push the pain? It has nowhere to go! I need help, help to squelch the pain. It’s clawing inside of me with no way to get out and nowhere to go. How am I supposed to tolerate it and go on with life? I need to scream. I am choking with a silent suffocation. I used to have someone who could somehow help make it better. His words brought out the pain. He’s gone now. He left me. I dont know if he will ever be back. I dont know if he can ever find his way back to me. I believe he would, if he could. But our last words were strained. I think it was because he was getting sick but I am not sure. He was my soul mate. Not my marriage partner, my friend. I am just hurting and I cant get it to leave me. I wish I could find a new friend that could be the peace in my soul, morality in my heart and the strength in my body. Somedays I think God sent him and God has decided to take him away. God has taken so much from me, why him too? I know God has given me so much to be thankful for and I am. And I am in pain. This is a circle…I just want to scream!

I HATE HIM!!!

I HATE HIM!!! I hate him when he comes home at midnight and opens his mouth and I hate him at breakfast when he shirks his commitments and doesnt give a shit!

I hate him!

I hate him when I pick up the crap he leaves lying around the house with every step he takes and I hate him when he takes his bath in the morning and leaves no hot water or bathroom time for anyone else.

I hate him when he pees down the toilet and on the floor and doesnt bother to clean up after himself and I hate him when he leaves the table and his disgusting mess strewn all over for me to clean up.

I hate him when he is too lazy to take something from the freezer so he treats himself to lunch and I hate him when I dont even take lunch because I am committed to being a good employee and have more important places to spend the money like kids dentist.

I hate him when he walks in and expects supper on the table and if its not he goes to his bb or computer and waits and I hate him when he doesnt even show up for a supper I made and never bothered to tell me.

I hate him when he bitches about taking out the garbage so I do it and I hate him when he takes my down pillow or my orange happy towel and doesnt even think about it and if I say something he tells me im crazy.

I hate that he has 15 razors and wants more because he had to settle and I hate that he has 2 bicycles and wants a new one because they arent what he really wants.

And I hate that he has 2 pairs of roller blades that he doesnt use ever and 2 scooters that he doesnt ride ever and 2 lawnmowers and a leaf blower and 2 snow blowers and an electric painter and camping equipment that was on sale that he never used.

I hate that he has so many clothes strewn over the basement the storage room and the closet in my office along with his closet that is such a mess that you cant even see whats there that there is no room for anyone else to breathe

. ….Oh did I mention that I hate when he farts when company is there and they all look at me with embarrassment or that he falls asleep at friends tables or on the couch when people are talking to him, but he is too busy with his managing a singer for no money to go to sleep at a normal time.

I HATE WHEN he TELLS me that I love him.

One day soon I will be passive about him and I wont hate and that will be the saddest day for him.

Virtual Limbo

Where am I at?

Virtual limbo!

Whats up with life?

Life? I forgot the point!

Suicide?

Nope.

Friends?

yup.

Connecting?

How? I can’t connect. I have nothing to contribute and no actual desire to care.

numb?

not really, just empty.

Maybe there comes a time when the pain of the past and the pain of the present just become too much and a person just shuts down.

I exist, I pray to G-d! I am a good mother and I laugh at appropriate times. I smile a lot when people are around and I am alone a lot.

I have learned to like being alone. The only one I have to face is myself and therefore dont have to pretend.

…GoOd DaY…bAd DaY…

We had plans to spend Sunday together and drive to the states and shop and have fun.

He forgot.

He planned a photo shoot for his pet project.

He cant get out of it.

I’ll go alone.

I am getting  used to being alone.

Does anyone really ever get used to being alone?

I started to realize that having both my sisters die, before I was an adult, has left me with a hole full of  loneliness and fear of loneliness, that I have always tried to keep full with friends and family.

It might be an epiphany but it doesnt fill the hole.

Can anything fill the hole or am I destined to walk through life with this bottomless emptiness?

sparked by my soul sister:

I am having an epiphany.

I started to let God be my friend and my guide and try hard not to sweat hubby’s small stuff. I am trying to let God  worry about hubby’s path and take it off my list of burdens. I am also trying really hard to see his Godly soul.

I realized that what I expect from my soul mate is for him to see me by my soul and always see the intent and the goodness in me. I expect him to understand that any trials or anger I am going through is because of my inner struggles and that my Godly soul is always pure. I expect him to feel me like no one else will because we are re-united not united.

God split us in heaven and re-united us on earth.

Well, Since I expected that of him I realized that I dont see him that way and maybe never have, except when I first met him and married him. So, when in doubt or anger, I am learning and trying to look to God, really look! and feel him protecting and guiding me. I am trying to work with me and leave the struggles of others to their fight with their own animal soul.

melt down

I had a major melt down.
Started drinking to get away from the pain.
I sat in on the floor and cried for days.
I contemplated suicide.
I tried to scratch through my skin to cut my wrists slowly.
I told my husband.
I told 2 of my friends.

Husband went on with his life.
Friend #1 told me that I couldn’t do that to my mother, since she already buried 2 daughters.
Friend #2 (a nurse) told me to promise to go to my doctor and get on some antidepressants for a while.
Email friend told me the same thing.

I went to my doctor. He gave me antidepressants.
I first had to decide if that was a route I wanted to go.
I did research and concluded that what it does is add serotonin to the brain.
The same chemical that is released when I eat comfort food, lol!

There are many researchers who believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels may influence mood in a way that leads to depression. Possible problems include low brain cell production of serotonin, a lack of receptor sites able to receive the serotonin that is made, inability of serotonin to reach the receptor sites, or a shortage in tryptophan, the chemical from which serotonin is made. If any of these biochemical glitches occur, researchers believe it can lead to depression, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, panic, and even excess anger.

Now most days are just “normal”. I go through life without much anxiety or depression.

BUT today is a bad day!
I am worried about my kids and had a fight with my husband.
Do those two things go hand in hand?
Not sure.

I am crying and depressed.
This is the second time this week.
ahhh, magic pills! not so magic.

I am trying to put my faith in God.
I DO believe that we are on a journey and each of us has their own path.

I try hard not to feel like it is my failure as a Mom when my kids paths seem fraught with failure and inactivity.
I try not to feel like a failure when I cant seem to help them see the importance of goals and dreams.
I try not to feel like its my fault when my husband complains about his lack of adequate income.
I try not to feel depressed when he has no idea what his kids are doing or where they are but follows his pet project through the days and nights and at movies and plays and on dates and vacations and social events.

If I put my faith in God and not man them maybe I wont get as depressed.
What do you think?
Where is your faith when life seems overwhelming?